She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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