Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
