She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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