By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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