Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
