the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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