I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Four minutes until I can fart!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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