he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
