I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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