Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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