This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
