I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
