member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
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