My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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