I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
