I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
