The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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