I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
