between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
