He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
