It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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