I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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