Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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