; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my phone needs a breathalizer
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
