I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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