Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
