"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
