The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
she told me i tasted like america
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
