2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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