well I can't set my house on fire every night
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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