she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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