it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
