we have officially lost it.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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