I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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