Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
