Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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