I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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