I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
