someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
