Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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