I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
