im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
