why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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