Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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