Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my phone needs a breathalizer
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize