respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
