On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
