I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
