Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
