I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
