Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
