who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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