I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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