Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
