You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
did you just send me my own nude
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
