Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
