Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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