Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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