quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
