How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
